How to Masterfully Lead any Kind of Sex
So you want to learn to confidently take the lead in the bedroom (or dungeon!) in ways that leave you and your partner/s wowed?
Whether it is an erotic massage, romantic sexual encounter, fantasy role play, or a BDSM scene, there is a skill set common to all that allows you to be masterful at taking charge in all these situations - and leading experiences that hit all those conscious and subconscious yearnings.
If you want to lead the kind of sex that leaves glowing memories in your cells and knowing smiles on the faces of your lovers years later, that means you are aiming for more than a pleasure hit.
(Though that's definitely part of it too!)
You want both of you to feel the fullness of satiation. Of real parts of yourself seen, met, wanted and deliciously enjoyed.
You want everyone involved to be transported somewhere inside yourselves and share that "trip" through delicious erotic states of consciousness together.
You want sex that matters.
After leading thousands of clients into tailored erotic experiences I can honestly say that the most important skill needed to be great at leading sex, is not actually physical technique - though that certainly helps!
It is knowing how to Navigate the Erotic Psyche.
3 things that those who lead great sex have in common:
- Being clear about whose unique sexual patterning you are playing with that day.
- Knowing how to recognize the key plot points in each person's internal erotic narrative.
- Knowing how to bring it all to life in the theatre of sexual play.
It's all about satiating the true desires behind each person's fantasies and arousal styles.
And do you know what? That all begins with learning The Desire Compass. That is, by forming an aware and embodied relationship with desire itself and understanding its powerful purpose and language.
If you want to be great at leading sex, then:
Only then can you recognize and follow this dynamic force within others.
I would go as far as to say that without this foundation skill, you cannot master the art of consistently creating sexual experiences that truly satiate.
Desire is a force inside you (or an organ of the psyche if you like) that lives in your unconscious. As a result, it is motivated by wisdom you are generally unaware of. You only become aware of desire when it sends you messages in the form of suddenly wanting something... That is, feeling the wanting in your body and/or fantasizing about something you want... something you desire to have or experience...
Although these desires can sometimes appear bizarre on the surface and are sometimes wildly inappropriate, they are no mere brain farts. They are a guiding compass to something you would very much benefit from accessing on some level.
(No, Desire dear, it is not a good idea to actually grab the butt of the cute stranger in the elevator, or to suddenly rip my top off, leap onto the centre of the boardroom table and howl like a wolf - but I hear you that urge is symbolic of something real and important).
So if desire sends messages that seem like "temptations" to do things that would have serious consequence-hangovers, what is its value and purpose? Moreover, how does that apply to leading great sexual encounters?
The key to understanding desire is that while it is often a terrible guide for how to behave in the outside world, it is a freaking brilliant guide for navigating the internal world.
Desire sends messages that tell us how to trigger the exact right domino effect of internal responses needed to navigate internal obstacles - and normal ego resistances - so you can enter into the vulnerability of full erotic bliss.
A bushfire of desire was set off in millions of heterosexual and bi women all around the world when they read 50 Shades of Gray.
As a prescription for how-to-do-relationships, that book is a terrible manual! But as a guide to creating the exact right psychological conditions needed to overcome internal obstacles to erotic pleasure, it is a fantastic map!
It takes working out the psychology behind desires and sexual fantasies - and creating consensual experiences that actually hit the spot - to find the treasure that The Desire Compass was pointing to. That is, to find true satiation - and potentially enter into some pretty unforgettable erotic states of consciousness.
But there are no one-size-fits-all maps to erotic pleasure and satisfaction.
While lots of fifty shades fans reached for the vibrator while turning sticky pages, they each responded to different parts of the story and in their own ways, for their own reasons.
And while millions loved it, millions did not.
It would therefore be a mistake to think "all women/men/people like x, y, z" and leap into leading sex in ways you read were popular - that worked for your ex - or that would seem wonderful for you if you were on the receiving end.
Each person's internal resistance to letting go and surrendering to sexual pleasure is unique to their personality, ego, and their life experiences.
It makes sense then that each person's desire compass and each person's set of erotic narratives will be unique to them.
This leads us to the next step.
Not only is it necessary to form an embodied and proactive relationship with our internal force called desire so we can access its guiding wisdom, it is also necessary to recognize the map of each person's unique erotic narrative and learn how to hit all those plot points in your sexual play.
This is a learnable skillset and if you want it, I can teach you step-by-step.
Don't worry, this approach doesn't lead to overthinking and staying stuck in the head. In fact, it opens the way for the exact opposite. Having an awareness of your personalized erotic narrative structure allows for much deeper free-form spontaneous play.
Afterall, the most compelling stories that keep you feverishly turning the page until the very end contain recognizable narrative structure.
Even though each story is unique, there are no limits to the number of stories that can be told using that narrative structure. There is both an art and science in bringing those stories to life in our minds. All great authors use a narrative structure.
It is the same with our personalized erotic narratives and the kinds of play we can create from them. All great lovers tap into these structures, whether they know it or not. I'm an advocate for knowing it and therefore being even more skilled at it.
Great sex takes learning both the art and psychology of crafting tailored experiences based on each person's desire compass and unique erotic patterning.
Want to learn these skills so that you can confidently lead any flavored sexual encounter?
You can access:
Personalized mentoring with me, Artemisia de Vine
Via (fully clothed) zoom sessions in the privacy of your own home.
You are invited to have a 15 min complimentary zoom conversation with me to explore how private mentoring could look for you.
Want more people in your dating pool with this level of sexual awareness and skill? Why not share it all over social media and help create a culture of sex that satiates.
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