Why hook up culture needs a make over
It was gentle, sensual, and soft. I wanted to keep going but I pushed that gorgeous Italian god of tango and risotto away.
Well it wasn't because I was playing games with him. I wasn't trying to manipulate him. I crave the opposite of that kind of shenanigan.
It wasn't because I need to be in a committed relationship to enjoy sex. I don't. Believe me, my body was responding to his eagerly!
It wasn't because I thought he would be bad at sex. I suspect he might have some excellent skills actually. His presence and the way he held himself suggested a lot. I really loved the way he spoke attentively and showed consideration in that sexy accent.
In fact he was radiating the kind of vibe that matches my unique erotic wiring really well!
So why stop?
Because I knew it wouldn't meet my needs if we leaped straight into sex.
It just wouldn't. My social, emotional, or even just straight-up sexual needs would not be met.
My deep desires would be teased awake and then left wanting. I'd be left yearning and grieving that this part of me was not seen or wanted by my lover yet again.
What makes me conclude this? Oh I don't know, hundreds of personal lovers and thousands of paid ones. I noticed patterns.
Forget relationships for a minute and let's focus on the sex part, and what I need it to be to actually be worth my while. Are you listening? This bit is gold. You might see yourself reflected in parts of this too, or learn to understand why others react to your sexual advances they way they do.
I understand that there is a strong culture of using sex as a way to create a connection.
Fuck first, and see if that creates chemistry. Get to know them afterward if you feel it.
For some people, this works beautifully. You play, project your desire onto each other, have a fun time. Sometimes a bond forms making you want to keep doing it, and to get to know each other. Because now you have a rush of new relationship energy hormones motivating you to find out who actually is the real human behind those sexy eyes?
Call me crazy, but I want to get to know someone first, at least to a certain extent, and then play with them sexually. I want to establish a connection with the actual person and then share it in sexual play.
When I tried it sex-first-style, most of the time my dates only felt attraction to me because I was a good canvas for them to project their unique sexual wiring onto. And vise versa. They like something about my look, my body language, my vibe. They could imagine that I was feeling this way, or that way... whatever they needed to imagine in order to get off... that I was yearning for them but too shy to make the first move... or that I was powerful and virtually a mind-reader, crediting me for creating the complex feelings inside them...
The more silent I am about who I am the better canvas I make for them to project their internal erotic processes onto.
As soon as I become a real person with my own unique sexual wiring that is different to theirs, the bubble bursts. Most withdraw lickity split.
In order for it to work for them, they need my turn-ons to magically be their turn-ons.
They need to get off on not caring about my turn-ons at all. Yeah, that last one doesn't make good sex for me so I ain't playing.
But back to the first point, having different turn-ons feels a threat that makes it unsafe for them to share their sexual expression with me - and they default to thinking that we are incompatible... which is a horrible double-bind to put me in!
You see no one's sexual wiring is an exact match. No ones. If you think your new lover is magically exactly your match in the bedroom then you aren't seeing them. You are projecting onto them. Or they feel obliged to fake it.
No one's sexual wiring is the same because no one's ego is the same.
I have developed a theory that your pattern of sexual turn-ons are symbols of the exact thing your ego needs to feel safe enough to let go of the driver's seat so that you can enter into pure sexual experiencing and expression. Into erotic flow state and beyond. No thinking, just feeling.
If you approach sex with the belief that the other person is only sexually compatible with you if their turn-ons are the same as yours, then you are forcing them to either fake it so that you can feel good, or to speak up and risk having you go away under the false assumption that you are sexually incompatible.
There is NO SPACE for them to be who they really are. There is no space for them to show you their authentic sexual being.
Sadly this is the double bind I have found myself in during almost all recreational sex situations. It means I don't get the chance to tell them what I need. Yes, even me who is forthright, well-spoken, and not at all shy about talking about what I want.
And the saddest part is, this doesn't have to be the situation at all. If only my lover would stay around to talk about it and playfully go on an adventure of mutual sexual discovery together, we could all have our needs met. Of course, this process takes multiple dates... in fact, if you find the right person and you want it to, it can last a lifetime of delightful sexual play... or you know... just a few dates before you go your separate ways...
But those who kiss you before they know your last name tend not to be motivated to stay around and find out.
Even if they keep coming back for more, they tend to not want to talk about it... they want to use me as a free sex worker and only shag and chat about fun things and then disappear until they are in the mood for sex again.
So again, and again, and again, I had sex with people and supported their turn-ons, and even asked for what I needed but my sexual needs were not ever truly seen or met. You see, even though there was plenty of well-meaning, kind-hearted lovers who said, "I just want to please you, tell me what you want," what I needed was more than just this or that sex act, or rubbing softer, harder, faster, slower... my true needs were something that could not be communicated in the heat of the moment but instead required a re-setting of the very foundation assumptions of what was going on.
It was about creating the right psychological conditions I needed in order to surrender into my sexual expression. The real one. The one we all sense is possible. The one that actually meets the deep need within our sexual beings, not the poor substitute that only leads to a few orgasms but never satiates the unnamable thing... or transports us to the place inside ourselves we really yearn to go... or gives us access to the parts of ourselves we desire to encounter and share with another...
I am capable of so much more! And so are you!
So how would it play out if I would have my way?
Well in order to even have the conversation to :
- Bring to their awareness the fact that we all have unique sexual wiring
- Work through feeling threatened by that
- Learn a new way of creating psychological safety so we both feel free to share our true sexual beings with each other
- Discover what that unique sexual patterning is for both of us
- Experiment with how to create sexual experiences for each other that tap into it...
Well, I am going to need some basic things in place.
1. My lovers have to be willing to stick around more than one fuck.
It will take time for us to explore all this. And all this is what makes the sex good.
But, but, but, "Even if I am really into the other person's looks and want them like crazy, I find it hard to keep wanting to have sex with them if there is no emotional bond. I only want to have sex two, maybe three times at most and then I lose interest." he said.
I appreciated his honesty. And it is true for him. And his truth matters too.
But honestly, when you start playing with the erotic psyche on purpose, this response often changes. I know it does because I've experienced it with clients again and again. You shift from projecting your internal sexual needs onto a hot body, to deliberately engaging the symbols of each person's unique sexual patterning for, and with, each other. Even if you are just after the sex, this takes it all to the next level.
It also changes how you feel about playing with each other. Your sexual play might still have a shelf life but it doesn't run out as quickly because you are accessing your source of sexual desire and arousal from a more robust place. It is less susceptible to bursting and dissipating as soon as you encounter evidence that person is not in fact the thing your erotic psyche projected onto them.
2. They have to be willing to, you know, talk about sex.
But they don't want to talk because talking is the opposite of flow state. It is the opposite of sinking into primal feeling, or simply experiencing... no thinking... just being and playing. Talking can actively block sexual flow state so they instinctively avoid it!
Besides - for people who were taught not to feel emotions, or develop social skills, because that is "girly" - and being "girly" is dangerous because you might get rejected, or beaten up - talking is genuinely scary and threatening. Not exactly inducive emotions for sexy times.
However, there is hope, because I did indeed get my sex work clients to have pre and post-play conversations about the workings of their sexual psyches and the result was stunning.
"I honestly had no idea sex could be that way. I have never felt that before! That was incredible." - I heard versions of this more times than I can count as clients floated in post-play bliss.
And it was talking about it that gave me the insights into them I needed to make it happen.
3. They have to be willing to get past their own deeeeeeeep seated fear that the other person having a different array of psychological sexual needs to them = rejection of their own sexual pathways.
You know the one that goes, "If you are not into the thing I am into then I can't share it with you," and "You're not the right person for me." Or even, "If you need different things to what I am currently doing to express my sexual patterning, that means you think I am in no good in bed/ an inadequate lover."
We cling to this belief with such determination because it is just too damn vulnerable to let go of our egos if the other person hasn't let go of theirs too.
We falsely believe that the only way for the ego to access the safety it needs to let go and let us cross dress, talk dirty, reveal our bodies, jiggle our flabby bits... is for the other person to be turned on by these very things.
But actually, that's not true either. There is another way to access authentic ego safety and still share our different turn-on mechanisms. There is another way we can create the necessary conditions let go and absolutely fly in the pleasure of our sexual expression even though the other person is not turned on by our particular turn-ons. There is another way to be in the zone together even though your sexual styles are quite different. And you don't have to be in love to access it.
I know because I created this experience for thousands of sex work clients - without faking. No shit. For realsies. And you can't tell me that my unique sexual wiring was just magically the same as every single clients. It most definitely was not!
But oh my god, so many obstacles!
So much to work through and untangle before we can access the good stuff! No wonder I never got my needs met in a one night stand!
And yet I could do it for my sex work clients on a first date... because I was in charge and led the sexual encounter, knew what I was doing, and was only focused on bringing their unique sexual wiring to life. It is a whole different ball game trying to get someone I've just met, to offer the same gift back to me!
I'm not the only one struggling to communicate this to their personal lovers. Or to get them to stick around long enough to even try. Hook up culture with the cum-and-dash mentality makes it almost impossible, so folk falsely conclude that you can only access it in the safety of "being in love".
This twisted dynamic has a left everyone involved, short-changed. I meet so many people who are so very hungry for something they almost touch, by never quite get.
This howling grief in our collective sexual beings is a BIG reason I began teaching folk the art of creating sexual experiences tailored to each others unique sexual patterning.
Underneath the sex positive, glorious freedom we suddenly have to fuck around - if we want to - is a nagging feeling that there is something more. And if we slow down enough to hear that nagging feeling, we begin to hurt. This part of us matters. It's vital to who we are. To be bereft of it is a soul ache like no other.
My conclusion is that we need to revolutionize sexual culture (again) to understand how sexual desire and the erotic psyche actually work. We've been blindly approaching it, with the best wills in the world, but only scratching the surface of where we could go if we established different social norms around recreational sex.
Cultural shifts take time. Let's start small. Let's start with ourselves.
Let's start by forming a new relationship to sexual desire itself. Let's learn how the erotic psyche really works and what our unique sexual wiring is. Let's learn how to create play dates that create the psychological safety to be different to each other and enjoy playing with each other, supporting each others discovery and reaching heights and depths not possible in any other way.
But mostly my darlings, I want you to know there is hope. Bone fide hope. Because when we interrupt the current hook up culture and create a new way of understanding and engaging recreational sex, we get to have our cake and eat it too.
But it takes willing partners and sadly Mr Italian-god-of-risotto-and-tango bolted before I had the chance to invite him in.
If only he knew what he missed out on right! Oh the things I could have shown him!
So I wait for someone who is willing to get to know me enough to want to stick around and go through this process with me. Then I might kiss them.
P.S. I am about to launch a campaign to find 15 new people to personally mentor in this body of work.
People who are ready to go deep and untangle the blocks to their sexual potential. If this is you, come chat with me on a 20 min complimentary zoom and let's see if our intentions match.
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