The Purpose of Sexual Fantasies is to Create Ego Dissolution
Your sexual fantasies are the exact story your ego needs to hear so you can temporarily let your guard down and surrender to the vulnerability of pleasure and connection.
Once you understand the key narrative mechanisms in your fantasies, you can bring the power behind your fantasies out of your head and into your bed.
Hi, I am Artemisia de Vine and, stemming from insights gained from creating tailored sexual experiences for thousands of clients, I propose a new conceptual framework and set of practical tools for understanding and engaging sexual fantasies.
It works like this.
Ego is a healthy and necessary part of us. Without it, we don't even have a sense of self. We'd feel like we'd just melted into everythingness - which makes it hard to do the shopping, feed ourselves or remember to turn up to our jobs.
Ego is super invested in maintaining that sense of self. That's its whole reason for existing.
Ego is in charge of creating and protecting:
- Self Identity - Our values and who we think we are - as opposed to the reality of who we are. i.e. "I'm a good girl, I don't do that".
- Self Worth - Am I good enough? Self-esteem
- Power and Social Rank - Concerned with our place in our tribe because a primal part of us knows we can't survive without others. This means the opinions of others could be a threat to the self. If the tribe rejects us, then we risk death. This ego function manifests in the impulse to save face and worry about others "rising above" us. It makes us want to bring them down a peg or two if they "think they are above us".
As useful as ego is, it also creates limitations that stop us from accessing connection. Ego is adamantly against all forms of vulnerability because they might threaten the self.
To love, or even just connect, is to be vulnerable. It is to risk being hurt, rejected, or the grief of losing what/who we care about.
Sex is vulnerable. Yes, even the smutty kind that doesn't - on the surface - appear to be based in love at all.
The act of letting loose in your authentic sexual expression with another person is always vulnerable. It reveals so much of who we are beyond our social masks.
Naturally, ego is against this sexual vulnerability completely. This presents a problem if we want to enter into sexually aroused states of being.
However, desire is a brilliant storyteller.
Desire is the force that temporarily moves us from "I" to "We" on all levels:
- Intrapersonal (inner world)
- Interpersonal (outer social world )
- Transpersonal (A sense of connection with something bigger than ourselves)
One of desire's tricks is to create sexual fantasies that use ego's own logic against it. Desire uses the exact stories needed to convince ego that it is safe to let go.
Ever wonder why so many sexual fantasies contain weird and wonderful egoic themes that seem pretty odd and twisted at times? That is because fantasies are not trying to make sense to our everyday logic or even to give us instructions on how to behave in the outside world. Instead, they are trying to create the internal conditions we need to shift into unguarded openness. Sexual fantasies seduce a very specific part of us - our egos - so they have to speak in ego's logic.
We are hardwired for stories.
Humanity has used stories to pass down wisdom about human nature, and to communicate our internal and external experiences, for millennia.
All stories are about transformation, and they use the imagination to transport us somewhere inside ourselves. (Yes even non-fiction ones). All stories start with the characters in an everyday state of being and move them through a series of obstacles until they are transformed internally as well as in their outside world.
Sexual fantasies are no exception but they are a very specific kind of story. They are stories designed to overcome ego's resistance, temporarily blur our sense of self and move us from I to We.
The realm of stories has different rules than reality.
Stories come from the land of the imagination where different rules apply. I mean, you can fly in your imagination. Consent doesn't matter because all characters are just inside your head - and are in fact just aspects of yourself. You can also get hit by a truck and bounce back up again in a story.
So naturally, one can't just act out sexual fantasies as they are in our heads. Nor are we meant to. There is an art to bringing sexual fantasies to life in ways that can be literally enacted during sexual play.
So how do we harness the transformative magic in our sexual fantasies?
It is not effective to try try and enact them as we saw them. It is far more powerful to understand the powerful psychological mechanism contained within them and bring those to life in your bedroom.
You need to:
1. Translate the essence behind the story narratives into physical reality where gravity, consent, and consequences do matter.
2. Tap into the psychological ingredients in your sexual fantasy story to effectively convince your ego to let go fully.
The more elements of the story you get right in your sexual play, the more ego dissolves - and the deeper you drop into connection and pleasure.
This is what I teach my private coaching clients how to do and oh boy is it powerful work!
I have been busily working behind the scenes to put together a:
It is a 14 week program for those who want to dive deep into their own erotic psyche and learn how to use their personal fantasies to travel to some pretty profound and pleasurable places inside themselves.
Book a complimentary 15 min zoom call with me to discuss what that might look like for you.
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