Artemisia de Vine: Erotic Psyche, Sexual Fantasy and Desire Specialist
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Make Your Desire for Deep Sexual Surrender Come True

How to get you partner to lead in bed the way you need them to

Do you fantasize about your lover taking the lead, making love, ravishing, or dominating you in ways that transport you into ecstasy? 

Whether you are into the historical heterosexual model of man actively leads and woman surrenders "into her feminine receptive," ...

Or

You are far more interested in fulfilling your unique erotic wiring no matter who has what kind of genitals... 

I've got a counterintuitive tip for you. 

In order to truly surrender, you have to lead.

That is, be proactive in the process of making it happen the way you need it to. 

Why? Because while your desire to follow your lover's lead is really common, the psychological pattern behind your desire to surrender is unique to you.

The way in which you yearn to be "taken" is specific to your personality, life experiences, resistance to the risk of vulnerability, and desire to feel a certain way. 

And alas, mind reading does not work. Your lover cannot guess your specific erotic patterning. Further, your lover is not wired or motivated in the same way as you. They are trying to meet different needs that are unique to them. 

Even if you prefer your partner to lead outside the bedroom as well as in it, the only way to actually get your sexual needs met is to take charge of making it happen. 

There is also another really important and less understood reason for this I will tell you about in a moment.

First let me explain. 

I used to think that because I wanted to be the one being pursued and ravished, that meant that my lover had to lead the process of working out what I wanted in bed too.

After all, as a woman who developed gigantic-boobs-of-doom from the age of 12, I was used to being pursued. While I enjoyed some of it, mostly it was in ways I did not want. 

Actually, most of it kind of felt like a tidal wave of amorous, prowling male energy coming at me, threatening to overwhelm. Some of it dangerous.

So I learned to be a gatekeeper. I stayed closed off unless I wanted the person doing the pursuing. I never had to learn to be proactive or lead. At least in those early days, it was a skill set I completely neglected to foster.

Instead, I developed a habit of testing my potential lover’s worthiness to hold my vulnerability, because oh boy is sexually surrendering vulnerable! 

Most men pursuing me were not even considering that. They were driven by their own unique erotic patterning, without realising there was a need to pay attention to the emotional and psychological effect that would have on me.

Hell, they didn’t even realise their patterning was unique! Like most of us, they just thought their patterning was just how sexual desire is. 

So I became like the princess in the fairytales testing my suitors to see if they could be trusted to have power over me. Though to be honest, I didn’t do that great of a job of it because at that stage much of this process was unconscious.


Even though I did not want men to dominate me in ways that did not consider my well being or desires, I did want to be dominated, or at the very least,I wanted them to lead the sexual dance. I had fantasies of both the romantic variety, and of multiple boys from my kindergarten class doing deliciously bad things to me with bondage (tied to a cross no less!) as early as age 6.

(Yes children have sexualized fantasies. It doesn’t mean they understand them in the same way an adult does, or that they are ready for/want actual sex though. None-the-less, our unique sexual patterning kicks in young! Humans are erotic beings and we develop our eroticism as we develop our limbs, minds and social skills.)

The point is, yes I really did want to surrender to men in bed.

But when I did let them through my gates, I didn’t do a very good job of communicating what it was I wanted. I just let them lead with the enthusiasm of racehorses bolting through barriers the microsecond the barrier lifts. 

I subconsciously thought that part of the job of the person leading the sexual dance, was to be the one to work out what I wanted, and to give it to me.

Fast forward, this meant that I had years of disappointing sex. To be super clear, this was not their fault. Most of them were operating on autopilot with good intentions just like I was.

But the result was none-the-less years of wondering why, after I finally let them in, I did not feel satisfied. Why didn’t they ravish me like the men in my sexual fantasies? 

Why didn’t they naturally want what I wanted?

Hint: They were actually coming from a place of caring and were trying to give me a gift of pleasure. They were trying to please me in ways that their fantasy version of women loved.

I surrendered in the way that the dominant men in my fantasies loved, not realizing that I was projecting my own desires onto the real men I was with - and without ever talking about it with them, or understanding my own erotic motivations with any depth.

This leads to the second really important point - and I say it over and over when I coach people on how to live out their sexual fantasies in ways that actually satiate everyone involved.

Sexual fantasies and desires are brilliant at giving you the perfect psychological conditions you need to get past your own internal obstacles to letting go. 

However, they are completely rubbish at guiding your behaviour in the external world, or as maps for how to relate to actual humans. 

In your fantasies, your lover just magically wants the exact thing that will trigger your psychological mechanisms into letting go so you never have to proactively ask for the things you need.

In your fantasies, you get the perfect balance of risk and safety… 

Power play is lived out this way, not that way… Goldilocks syndrome, Not too much, not too little, just right.

The emotional journey from resistance to surrender will live out like a perfect plot in a drama - and your lover will just read you, knowing exactly what to do or say to move that internal emotional journey along.

In your fantasies, you feel seen and accepted for who you are because they just magically want you the way you want to be wanted. This creates the feeling of perfect validation so you can feel safe to deeply open your secret core self.

In your imagined version of your ideal relationship, you get to be passive in your relating while getting all your needs met. 

And your favorite love stories and movies seem to reinforce the idea that this is what is happening for everyone else in their relationships. So you wonder why isn’t it happening for you?

Is there something wrong with me? Or something wrong with my lover?

Should I trade them in for another one? Should I go on a never-ending treasure-hunt to find “The One” who can consistently mind-read my needs and who magically has exactly the same needs? 

But here’s the thing to remember. Stories and movies are in the business of reflecting our fantasies in theatrical form, not mirroring the reality of relating. 

Other people’s actual lived experiences are not like the stories either.

And that fantasy lover? They don’t exist. Brutal, I know.


But don’t despair!


This is actually a good thing and you can achieve the feelings, and delicious erotic states of being that you get when you fantasise - and you can experience them with a real life partner.

In fact, even better! You can have the kind of sex that takes you beyond that, to the kinds of feelings, states of consciousness, and profound pleasure you ache for most. And oh boy is there some deep value in going there!

Fantasies are not the enemy to getting there. They are the guiding map! 

Knowledge is power. 

If the entire purpose of fantasies is to trigger the perfect conditions you need to create an internal effect and take you somewhere inside yourself, then you can use them as a guiding map to deliberately craft the kinds of sexual scenarios that have the effect you yearn for most.

I’ve personally experienced this, and guided thousands of others to experience this too. It really works!

Like a great story, your fantasies will take you on a journey full of all sorts of big feels, challenges to be overcome, and their miraculous solutions.

(Yes even micro fantasies that doesn’t seem to have a plot but just focus on body types and sex acts, still contain these things).

Your fantasies may not be realistic but they are based on real psychological processes. Your fantasy is your personalized story that comes up with the exact way to deal with your personal (normal and healthy) anxieties around being vulnerable and resistance to letting go.

Of course, symbolic fantasy solutions to your personal thought processes are going to be unique to you - and of course, it is impossible for someone else to mind-read!

Here’s where leading comes in.

Most of your sexual partners are going to be completely oblivious that this is how the erotic psyche works.

So, if you are ever going to get the kind of sex you yearn for, you are going to have to take the lead and proactively:

1. Take a closer look at your sexual fantasies and/or imagined version of your ideal lover. 

2. Work out what this personalized internal story is actually trying to achieve, and how it cleverly achieves it. 

3. Work out how that could translate into the reality of actual sexual play with actual humans.

(For those into embodiment and mindfulness: How to embody the symbols contained in your fantasies so they can work their somatic magic).

4. Talk about it with your sexual partner/s before and after sexual play time so you can create an ongoing habit of delicious sexploration where you can support each others unique erotic needs.

(This can be done in a way that you actually both look forward to and is a lot of intimate fun!)

But no one wants to have to take the role of teaching their lover.

Least of all me! I do that for a living, so the last thing I want to do is teach in bed. I want to be busy surrendering remember?

The trick is, to lead the process of creating Purposeful Play Dates without putting on the teacher hat, doing all the emotional labor, or caretaking what is not ours to caretake. Then once that infrastructure is in place, you can surrender oh so very deeply during sexual experience itself!

So how do you do that? Here’s where I can help.

I spent 12 years creating tailored sexual encounters for thousands of clients in my former roles as a sex worker, erotic massage practitioner, and professional dominatrix.

Even though my clients were oblivious of their own unique erotic patterning and deeper sexual motivations, I developed a method of crafting the kinds of experiences they personally needed - from the sensual and sweet, dirty and raunchy through to the downright kinky in full-fledged BDSM scenes. Even spiritual sexuality experiences.

But that was me working out how they tick and playing with their patterning. You also want to work out how your erotic patterning works and how to invite your sexual partner/s in to play with it in ways that actually work.

So I went back to the drawing board and developed another set of tools.

If you want to work out what is going on beneath the surface of your desires and fantasies, and learn how to purposefully create consent-centered play experiences that consider the well-being of all involved, and actually scratch that deep itch, then I am your woman.

Click here to find out How to work with Artemisia de Vine. 

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